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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25454119">Delicate</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeasOfTrees/pseuds/SeasOfTrees'>SeasOfTrees</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Reputation [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Domestic Fluff, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Lie Low At Lupin's (Harry Potter), M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 09:26:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,835</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25454119</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeasOfTrees/pseuds/SeasOfTrees</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius was 90% certain it was a date.</p><p>-</p><p>Remus and Sirius go out for drinks for the first time in over a decade.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Reputation [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1188122</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>237</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Delicate</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This thing sort of fell out of me.</p><p>Warnings for smut.  Also it examines the weird headspace Sirius must've been in after Azkaban.  It doesn't get terribly angsty, but there are some complex feels.  If you don't think it's a good idea to read something like that right now, maybe give this one a pass.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Sirius used to hog the mirror in the bathroom, he remembered.James would always complain about it.Peter would make jokes about how he was more vain than a girl.Remus never commented.Remus rarely wanted the mirror at all.</p><p class="p1">After he got back from his “time away,” a rather weak euphemism from his decade-spanning vacation from being a person, he couldn’t stand to look at himself, to see what he had become.He’d been so gaunt and ugly.Peter had been right — Peter had been right about more things than they ever could have known — he <em>had</em> been vain.</p><p class="p1">He’d taken to staring at himself more in the last few months, now that he was properly eating again, and went outside sometimes.He’d even started doing press ups.He showered regularly and had more than one set of clothes.He flossed. </p><p class="p1">Looking at himself in the mirror, he looked like a man ten years older than he actually was, but ten years older and maybe approaching dashing.The gauntness had given way to a certain hardness in his cheekbones.When he was younger, he’d been called “pretty.”His new aspiration was “ruggedly handsome.”</p><p class="p1">He was getting there, he figured.And his teenaged self would have thought the tattoos were cool.</p><p class="p1">Sirius pulled on his coat,stepped out of the small flat, and started the short walk to the pub.</p><p class="p1">Remus had mentioned it casually that morning.“Hey, after I get back from that errand, want to meet for drinks?There’s a small pub down by the river.”</p><p class="p1">In another life that would have been the most causal thing ever, easy, thoughtless.But Sirius had spent the whole day agonizing about it.The grey shirt, or the black?And which pair of trousers made his ass look the best?There had been a time when he’d known off the top of his head.</p><p class="p1">It was stupid, he was just getting a drink with Remus.He’d done that hundreds of times before.It was just getting a pint with a friend.That’s all Remus meant.</p><p class="p1">It wasn’t a date.It couldn’t have been a date.</p><p class="p1">Sirius was 90% certain it was a date.</p><p class="p1">The gravel crunched beneath his only pair of boots as he forced himself to move at a reasonable pace.It was a grey and gloomy day in mid-spring, around the time most people we getting out of work.A handful of passing townsfolk gave him an acknowledging nod.The anonymity was liberating.</p><p class="p1">Remus had done it.He’d found the most unremarkable, un-magical, muggle-infested village in all of England.It was so cut off from the rest of the world that Sirius Black could trot down the street, his utter Sirius Black-ness on full display, and not a soul gave him a second thought or a double glance.</p><p class="p1">In fact, his presence was considered so unremarkable it was starting to wither the tiny sprout of his renewed vanity.Sirius elected to take this as a good sign.</p><p class="p1">There was only one pub in the entire town, and it wasn’t even full.Remus had managed to grab a seat in the back, between a large plant and a small window.Private.</p><p class="p1">He smiled when he saw Sirius, and something old fluttered anew in his chest. </p><p class="p1">“Want me to grab you a pint?” Remus asked, holding up his own in illustration.</p><p class="p1">“Uh… that would be great.I’ll…” and that was when he realized he’d forgotten his wallet.“I…”</p><p class="p1">“It’s on me,” Remus said, hopping up.Sirius flinched.How could he have forgotten something so basic?Maybe it was for the best.He likely wouldn’t have known what to order anyway.</p><p class="p1">“How was your day?” Remus asked when he got back, sitting and gesturing for Sirius to do the same.It was only then that Sirius realized he’d been staring into the middle distance trying to remember if he’d ever actually had any specific muggle beers.He couldn’t separate them out from each other.</p><p class="p1">The drink Remus had set out before him was brown and tasted like beer.Any further opinions were a little beyond him at the moment.</p><p class="p1">“Well — “ Sirius looked back on the day, and had to spend a moment parsing out the memories from that morning, last night, the week before.The task was inspiring as sorting a sock drawer.“I finally figured out what was making that strange clicking noise,” he said, certain that was new intelligence.</p><p class="p1">Something kind and sad flickered in Remus’s eyes.“The refrigerator, right?I think you mentioned that last night.”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Merlin’s hairy balls.</em>
</p><p class="p1">“Oh,” was all Sirius said.He took a healthy drink of his beer.</p><p class="p1">“I was wondering,” Remus reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, folded piece of paper.Cut from a magazine, Sirius figured, from the looks of it.A muggle one, given its rather stationary type.“I ran into this list today and I realized that I actually don’t know the answer to all the questions — we’ve known each other so long, so I thought it was strange — I was wondering if you wanted to run through them?To humor me?”</p><p class="p1">Sirius smiled.He knew a bone when it was being thrown.He also saw that the title of the list was “Top 25 Questions to Ask on a First Date.” </p><p class="p1">The sheer wonderful, mundane silliness of it all sent a thrill through him.He was 91% certain this was a date.“Alright.What’s the first question?”</p><p class="p1">Remus grinned, relieved.He glanced down at the list.“What’s your favorite color?”</p><p class="p1">Sirius barked out a laugh.Would they all be like that?He opened his mouth to reply, and then realized something.</p><p class="p1">He didn’t know.</p><p class="p1">He’d had one, surely.Before.But now?</p><p class="p1">He’d… he’d sort of forgotten about colors.</p><p class="p1">Remus was starting to frown.He was taking too long to reply.That line was forming between his eyebrows, the lines around his eyes deepened.His eyes, which were—</p><p class="p1">“Green.”He cleared his throat.“Green.You?”</p><p class="p1">“Red,” Remus said.He glanced down at the list.“Favorite author?”</p><p class="p1">Fuck, when was the last time he’d read a <em>book</em>?“Uh… what’s yours?”</p><p class="p1">“Muggle?Probably Agatha Christie.Wizard?Mmmm… probably Kennerdic Hobswallow.”</p><p class="p1">Hobswallow.He’d read something by him, surely — wait, yes.Yes he had.Years ago.Remus had made him, after he caught Sirius reading some — he believed the words Moony had used were ‘useless, reductionist drivel.’ As if anyone read books like <em>The Lycanthrope’s Stolen Bride</em> for anything but the sex scenes.But what was the author’s name?It was something celestial, he remembered… it was…</p><p class="p1">“Aquaria Pendelton,” Sirius said, triumphant.</p><p class="p1">Remus wrinkled his nose.“Really?”</p><p class="p1">“Really.”</p><p class="p1">“But she’s so…”</p><p class="p1">“A man’s entitled to his opinions, Moony.”He smiled.“And his drivel.Next question?”</p><p class="p1">Remus held up his hands in defeat.“Favorite flavor of ice cream?”</p><p class="p1">“Rum raisin?”Sirius thought, <em>that was it, right?</em></p><p class="p1">“Chocolate.”</p><p class="p1">“Of—“</p><p class="p1">“Shut it,” Remus snapped, though his eyes glittered a bit.“Let a man have his cliches.”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, yeah.Next?”</p><p class="p1">“Favorite music genre?”</p><p class="p1">“Punk.”</p><p class="p1">Remus rolled his eyes.“Should have never given you that Ramones album.Cost me so much sleep sixth year.”</p><p class="p1">“Who needs sleep?”</p><p class="p1">“Joey Ramone.Remember?<em>I wanna be se-da-ted…</em>”He sang a clumsy line or two of the song, just enough to get the tune stuck in Sirius’s head.</p><p class="p1">He’d only just started getting songs stuck in his head again.Well, songs he liked anyway.</p><p class="p1">“What about you?”</p><p class="p1">“Probably pop.”</p><p class="p1">“Pop?” Sirius asked.“You’re serious?” “No,” Remus said, stretching his arms out over his head and leaning back into his chair.“You’re Sirius.”</p><p class="p1">Sirius stuck his tongue out at him.Remus laughed.“Pop,” he amended, “<em>really</em>?”</p><p class="p1">“Remind me to show you my Madonna album sometime.Favorite sex position?”</p><p class="p1">Sirius choked on his beer.“That’s on the list?”</p><p class="p1">“Under the ‘Steamy Questions’ section, yeah.”Remus pointed at an alarming looking red square at the bottom of the clipping.</p><p class="p1">“Right, well — shit,” it wasn’t the first time he’d had the thought, but, “fuck, Moony.It’s been so long since the last time I got any.”</p><p class="p1">Remus pulled a sympathetic face.“Yeah, it’s been a while for me too.”</p><p class="p1">Sirius scoffed.“Yeah?‘Cause I’ve got a dry spell that’s pushing thirteen years.Can you say the same?”</p><p class="p1">Remus winced.“I mean…”</p><p class="p1">“Wait,” Sirius blinked, leaning forward.“Can you?Because…”</p><p class="p1">They locked eyes.</p><p class="p1"><em>Because</em>.</p><p class="p1">Because thirteen years was how long it had been since they’d last had sex with each other.</p><p class="p1">There was a pause, then Remus spoke, his tone apologetic.“No, Sirius.I can’t say that.”</p><p class="p1">A utterly unjustified unpleasantness (Jealousy? Anger? They ran together like bad watercolors those days) shot through Sirius.But who was he to be jealous?They’d never been <em>together</em>, not like Frank and Alice, not like James and Lily.A few likely ill-advised shags in the months leading up to what they didn’t yet know would be the end of the world did not a relationship make.</p><p class="p1">They hadn’t been anything then.They sure as hell weren’t anything now.</p><p class="p1">Still, Remus looked like he felt guilty.And Sirius liked that he looked guilty.</p><p class="p1">And now he got that feeling he got sometimes, since coming back.That feeling that boiled up at strange times, usually when he was fixing tea or watching Remus read.That feeling that they were each on their own iceberg and that those icebergs were floating away from each other.</p><p class="p1">So he said, “doggy style,” real quick, because it was the first one that came to mind and because he couldn’t even remember what it was like to be the type of person who had favorite sex positions, never mind what they might be.</p><p class="p1">Remus was just as quick: “missionary, boring as that sounds.Favorite place to go on holiday?”</p><p class="p1">“The beach,” the after-work crowd was starting to roll in, so Sirius had to speak more loudly to be heard.</p><p class="p1">“I’ve always wanted to go to Italy,” Remus said.</p><p class="p1">“An Italian beach,” Sirius said with a quirk of his lips.</p><p class="p1">Remus rolled his eyes, but his expression was fond.He gestured towards Sirius’s empty glass.“Another round?”</p><p class="p1">“Thanks,” Sirius said, and Remus got up.</p><p class="p1">He caught his reflection in a mirror advertising Newcastle Brown Ale, and was startled to see how… normal he looked.And that felt… good?He couldn’t remember ever wanting to look ‘normal.’</p><p class="p1">“Hey, I think I’ve seen you at the library, haven’t I?”</p><p class="p1">Sirius blinked.There was a a woman standing by his table.Smiling at him.</p><p class="p1">“I think so,” he said.Now that he thought about it, wasn’t she the person behind the desk when he went to return Remus’s books the other day?</p><p class="p1">She was pretty enough, he figured.Maybe a bit old for him.</p><p class="p1">Wait — no.She was thirty-something.</p><p class="p1">And, though he forgot it often, so was he.<em>She thinks you’re old because you </em>are <em>old, idiot. </em></p><p class="p1">“You have good taste,” she said, shyly rotating the stem of her wine glass between her fingers.What did you think of <em>Madam Bovary</em>?”</p><p class="p1">“Uh — well,” he let out a nervous laugh.“I wasn’t actually—“</p><p class="p1">“Mary,” Remus said, pushing his way out of the crowd, a pint in each hand.“How are you?”</p><p class="p1">“Oh!Remus… I didn’t…” she looked lost, glancing between the two.“I was just talking to your friend, here… I… I’m sorry I don’t think I caught your name?”</p><p class="p1">“Will,” Sirius said, extending his hand and shaking it.They’d agreed on a fake name some time ago, just in case any news stories got too far out this way.</p><p class="p1">“Nice to meet you,” she said, taking it.Her nerve seemed to have dried up.“Well, I guess I’ll see you around.Remus, Will,” she nodded at them both and departed, hurrying back to a small group of women in the corner.</p><p class="p1">“She’s cute,” Remus noted when she was out of earshot.“Want me to put in a good word for you?”</p><p class="p1">“What?” Sirius was affronted.“No!”</p><p class="p1">Remus frowned.“Why not?You were just complaining about how long it had been since the lad time you’d had sex.”</p><p class="p1">“That doesn’t mean I just wanted to fuck the first person I see,” Sirius hissed.</p><p class="p1">“Alright,” Remus said, voice painfully reasonable and disinterested, “so what does it mean?”</p><p class="p1">Sirius narrowed his eyes.He knew what he wanted to say — he wanted to say was, <em>is twelve-almost-thirteen years too long?It is alright that I’m still where we were?Would you ever consider going back there with me?</em></p><p class="p1">But he couldn’t say that.Remus was about all he had left, his only connection to the person he used to be.He couldn’t risk that.Even if the iceberg was all the lonelier for remembering what it was he’d lost.</p><p class="p1">That had been the one good thing about Azkaban.All the happy memories were pushed so far away that there were no chances to wallow in them.All that had been good about Before had been sealed up like letters in a time capsule, and now he found himself rifling through them as though they belonged to someone else.</p><p class="p1">“What’s the next question, Moony?”</p><p class="p1">Remus let the topic drop without so much as an acknowledging raise of his eyebrow.He consulted the list, laughed.“If you were an animal, what animal would you be?”</p><p class="p1">“A hedgehog,” Sirius said.</p><p class="p1">“Think I’d be a cat.”</p><p class="p1">“Next?”</p><p class="p1">The crowd by the bar started singing some song at the game of muggle football playing on the old television hanging from the pub’s corner.</p><p class="p1">Remus sighed.“It’s getting a bit too loud in here for my taste.Fancy a nightcap at mine?”</p><p class="p1">It <em>was</em> a date then.He was 93% certain.</p><p class="p1">Sirius smiled.“Sure.”</p><p class="p1">Remus opened the door for him, like some old-time gentleman.He ushered Sirius in and directed him to the sofa, as if Sirius was a guest and not a refugeeAs if the mug on the table wasn’t left there by a Mr. Black that very morning.</p><p class="p1">“Make you a drink?” Remus asked, shrugging off his coat.</p><p class="p1">“If you’re offering.”</p><p class="p1">He watched as Remus fixed two simple cocktails from their meager pantry.Sirius’s was in a mug that said <em>World’s Greatest Grandpa </em>(Remus sourced all his home goods from the discount shelves of charity shops) and Remus’s was in a jar that likely once housed pasta sauce.</p><p class="p1">They clinked their receptacles together.</p><p class="p1">The drink tasted robust and clean.Citrusy and masculine.Sirius felt warm, between it and the beer.His tolerance for alcohol was yet another casualty of the years away.</p><p class="p1">“So what’s the next question?” he asked, setting the drink down.</p><p class="p1">“What are you thinking?” Remus asked.He hadn’t taken the list from his pocket.</p><p class="p1">“I’m thinking that wasn’t on the list.”</p><p class="p1">Remus smiled, rolling his eyes.</p><p class="p1">“Why do you want to know?”And he could see it — he swore — the iceberg out at sea.</p><p class="p1">Remus paused, like he was really chewing on the question.“I… I feel like I’m not doing enough to help.You know — after everything.”</p><p class="p1">“Remus — you’re letting me stay with you.You’re feeding me.You’re harboring a dangerous criminal.What more could someone do?”</p><p class="p1">Sirius had a few ideas, of course — most of them involved some degree of nudity and a rather horizontal arrangement of affairs — but just then didn’t feel like the most politick moment to mention such thoughts.</p><p class="p1">“I… I don’t know.It’s just… everything is so different now.And you’ve done an amazing job of readjusting — but.”</p><p class="p1"><em>But</em>.</p><p class="p1">“There a lot of readjusting to do.”</p><p class="p1">“Right,” Remus agreed, a flat tire of a word.He took a long drink from his pasta jar.The clanging of the ice and the clicking of the fridge were the only sounds for a time.</p><p class="p1">“Who were they?”</p><p class="p1">“Huh?” Remus frowned.“Who?”</p><p class="p1">“The people who made it so you couldn’t claim a twelve year dry spell.”</p><p class="p1">Remus winced.“Oh.”</p><p class="p1">And Sirius was scared he’d gone too far.“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.It’s none of my business anyway.”He reached for the drink again.</p><p class="p1">“There was only one.”</p><p class="p1">“Mmm?”</p><p class="p1">“Only one other — other person.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh,” Sirius couldn’t tell if that made it better or worse.Was he the type of person who thought that was better or worse?</p><p class="p1">“You don’t know him.He’s a muggle.”</p><p class="p1">Sirius blinked in surprise.“You dated a muggle?That — how’d you explain full moons?”</p><p class="p1">“I — I didn’t date him, Sirius,” Remus shifted uncomfortably in his seat.“It was one time.Well, technically two.Or three… and a half.It was less than 48 hours anyway.Hell, I don’t think I even learned his last name.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh.”</p><p class="p1">“It was… five years?Ago?After you — after you left.Halloween.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh.”</p><p class="p1">“He was someone I met at a pub.I… Sirius, I just wanted to forget everything.For a day or two, I forgot.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh.”</p><p class="p1">“Then I went right back to remembering.I’ve been remembering ever since.”</p><p class="p1">“O—“</p><p class="p1">“Please don’t say, ‘oh,’ again.Please say something else.”</p><p class="p1">“Ah.”</p><p class="p1">“Sirius.”</p><p class="p1">“Sorry.”</p><p class="p1">The conversation dropped for a moment.</p><p class="p1">“So…” Remus began.“So… yeah.So that’s all that happened.Sad one — well, one and a half — night stand.”</p><p class="p1">“I see.”</p><p class="p1">“Please say something.”</p><p class="p1">“What do you want me to say?”</p><p class="p1">“I — I don’t know.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m not — I mean — I don’t get to be jealous, do I?”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Do I?</em>
</p><p class="p1">Remus became immediately and irresistibly fascinated with a knot of wood in the coffee table.“I mean — I don’t know.I still — the last time was with you.And would… would you have minded?Back then?”</p><p class="p1">Sirius felt something flutter inside of him.Something not wholly pleasant.“Would I have been allowed to?”</p><p class="p1">Remus frowned.“Would<em> I</em>?And did you?”</p><p class="p1">“Did I what?”</p><p class="p1">“Sleep with anyone else?”</p><p class="p1">Sirius was angry for reasons he wasn’t certain he could justify.“During?Well, Remus, I’d like to think you’d have noticed if I’d brought a third party into bed with us.”</p><p class="p1">“Sirius—“</p><p class="p1">“No, Moony, I didn’t.”</p><p class="p1">“Me neither.”</p><p class="p1">“So…”</p><p class="p1">“So…” Remus said, setting his mug down and making eye contact with Sirius that may or may not have been significant, “I’m going to the shower.” </p><p class="p1">He got up and left, a single glance back at Sirius before disappearing down the hall.</p><p class="p1">Sirius agonized over the sentence for a full minute.<em>Going to the shower</em>.No one phrased it like that.Remus never phrased it like that.Listing the place instead of the action.Did that mean he was inviting Sirius?Was that presumptive?Did Remus want it to be presumed?</p><p class="p1">Goddammit, he was supposed to be brave, right?That’s why he’d worn a scarlet-and-gold tie for seven years, right?</p><p class="p1">He stood up and walked to the bathroom.</p><p class="p1">He’d keep his clothes on, he figured after agonizing in the hall for a moment.Then he could pretend like he was going to ask an innocent, completely platonic question.</p><p class="p1">He opened the door.</p><p class="p1">The air was warm and thick with steam and the hiss of the shower sounded shriller than made sense.He could barely make Remus out through the foggy glass of the shower stall, but he could see Remus heard him enter.His outline was frozen, fingers in his hair.</p><p class="p1">Sirius cleared his throat.“I—“</p><p class="p1">“Yeah?” Remus asked.“Can I help you?”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Yes, please.</em>
</p><p class="p1">“I…” and he started walking towards the shower, so unsure about what to do next.</p><p class="p1">Remus opened the door, and there he was: suddenly, soppingly naked.He pulled a face as shampoo got in his eyes and scrubbed it furiously away, leaving Sirius free to admire the way the suds hugged his skin — the way they fell down his sharp collarbones and the planes of his back and hips, down his long cock and the pretty curve of his ass.</p><p class="p1">God, he wanted to touch him again.</p><p class="p1">“Can I ask you a question?”Caution could go fuck itself, he was getting off this iceberg.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah?” Remus, finally free of shampoo, blinked at him — hopeful?</p><p class="p1">“Would it be okay if I kissed you?”</p><p class="p1">Remus pulled him into the spray.</p><p class="p1">It was so, so warm.</p><p class="p1">Water trickled down their faces, flooring this kiss beyond its beer-and-whiskey base.Clumsy, out-of-practice mouths found each other, and found each other, and found each other again.Remus nibbled on his bottom lip and Sirius sighed.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>First kiss of the decade.First French kiss of the decade.</em>
</p><p class="p1">He ran his hands along Remus’s arms and shoulders.The scars were different from Before.</p><p class="p1">And he felt that — he felt it more than made sense.He felt it more than he felt anything else.He’d never be able to explain it to anyone — anyone who hadn’t had years of their lives stolen away — but he had no real sense of the amount of time that had passed.He was arrested in one world, and free in another.It was not the same world, twelve, thirteen, years later.It was something wholly new.</p><p class="p1">He hadn’t felt the time when he met Harry, who’d become an entire person while he was away.He hadn’t felt it when he encountered some new muggle technology.He hadn’t felt it when what friends he had left approached him with lines around their eyes and grey in their hair.He hadn’t felt it looking at calendars, or at himself, or at anything.</p><p class="p1">But he felt it then, looking at Remus, touching Remus.The old scars were there, the lines and crosses and ragged spaces where he used to trail his fingers, they all remained.He felt it when he saw the new scars he wasn’t there to sooth.He felt it when he remembered a night, almost twenty years ago, when he’d promised a young, sobbing Remus Lupin that he would be there to tend to every new hurt, that he’d be there every morning after to help the pain away. </p><p class="p1">That had been a lie.The ability to keep his promises was lost to him, and now he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to make another.The famous Gryffindor honor was long gone and there was not yet anything new in him to take its place.</p><p class="p1">A tear fell from his eyes and he pressed his face into Remus’s shoulder, willing it to wash down the drain unacknowledged.</p><p class="p1">Remus hands went to the hem of his shirt, soaked through at that point.“Can I?”</p><p class="p1">Together they peeled it off him, and Remus tossed it out of the shower.It landed on the floor with an obscene wet <em>thud</em>.Remus ran his hands along Sirius’s chest.“Is it bad that I love your tattoos?” he whispered into the hairsbreadth between their lips.</p><p class="p1">“Is it bad that I love your scars?”</p><p class="p1">Remus let out an amused huff, and his hands went down to Sirius’s belt.“Can I—“</p><p class="p1">“Fucking <em>please</em>.”</p><p class="p1">The process of getting his jeans off was more involved — and he didn’t feel particularly sexy during all the twisting and peeling — but it was worth it once it was skin on skin.</p><p class="p1">He remembered now.All those tings the years had worked to make him forget — how good lips on his neck felt, how much fun it was to wash someone else’s back, that cute little gasp Remus let out when he kissed him on that one spot on his collarbone.</p><p class="p1">How good a mouth felt on his cock.How beautiful Remus looked gazing up at him through his lashes as he worked him into oblivion with his tongue.</p><p class="p1">How, when climaxing in a shower, he had to be a touch careful with how far back he tossed his head in rapture, since he risked getting water in his nose.</p><p class="p1">How adorable Remus’s laugh was when he was poking fun at him.How satisfying it was to get back it him by setting the shower head to “massage” and pointing it at his face.</p><p class="p1">Eventually they made peace and were kissing again.Sirius gave Remus’s cock an errant stroke.“Up for fucking me?”</p><p class="p1">Remus looked down at his erection significantly.“Oh, I think I’m up for it.”</p><p class="p1">They hastily dried off and made their way, kissing and groping, to Remus’s bed.Remus pushed Sirius down on his stomach.</p><p class="p1">Sirius wiggled his hips playfully.“Be gentle with me.It’s been a while.”</p><p class="p1">Remus trailed his fingers along the swell of Sirius’s ass.Not so plump, he knew, as it used to be.</p><p class="p1">That hardly seemed to bother Remus.</p><p class="p1">Sirius felt his hands on him, steady, like someone scared of spooking a horse.Remus knelt down on the floor, placing a kiss on his left cheek.He spread Sirius.</p><p class="p1">Sirius — whose view was only of pillows and a headboard — asked, “what are you doing?”</p><p class="p1">“Being gentle,” and he licked.</p><p class="p1">Sirius gasped.He wasn’t always the best authority on the subject of his own life, but he was fairly sure they’d never done <em>that</em> before.</p><p class="p1">Remus’s tongue prodded and soothed in turns, and Sirius melted into the bed.</p><p class="p1">There was a sweet sort of mindlessness to it.Time meant nothing.His thoughts quieted at the intense intimacy of the moment.Brief pauses in Remus’s ministrations — to shuffle his knees or readjust, always carefully holding Sirius open — were the only way there was to count the passing moments.</p><p class="p1">But eventually it ended.Remus said, “I’m going to prepare you now, if that’s okay.”</p><p class="p1">Sirius groaned his agreement into the bed.</p><p class="p1">Remus’s fingers gripped his hips and he flipped Sirius over.Sirius let out a little yelp.</p><p class="p1">“Sorry,” Remus said, pulling lube from a nearby drawer, not looking sorry at all.“I wanted to see you.”</p><p class="p1">Sirius was about to make some clever comment — exactly what, he wasn’t sure — but was cut off when Remus brought their lips together.Sirius sighed into the kiss, his legs falling open as Remus started to stretch him.</p><p class="p1">Eventually, he heard the crinkle of a foil packet, and Remus made a subtle shift in their position.The first press in was still a shock to his system, and Sirius let out a little hiss.</p><p class="p1">Remus stilled above him.“Do you want me to…”</p><p class="p1">“No,” Sirius grabbed his hips to halt the retreat.“Just… go slow.”</p><p class="p1">And so he did, rocking in and out with fragile sort of movements, kissing Sirius along his throat, his chest.The skin behind his ears, small whispers of, “you’re so tight,” “you’re so good,” “I missed this — I — I — <em>fuck </em>I missed you.”</p><p class="p1">Eventually the rhythm came together, and Remus reached a hand down to stroke Sirius, who’d become half-hard.Sirius pulled his hand away, flinching at the touch to his over-sensitive skin.He only had one go in him that night, he knew.He wasn’t twenty-one anymore.</p><p class="p1">The bed creaked as they moved, eyes locked.Sirius brushed a stray lock of hair behind Remus’s ear, smiling up at him.</p><p class="p1">Remus closed his eyes, shuddering.Sirius held him, feeling the pulses of his release inside him.</p><p class="p1">Sirius luxuriated in the moment: Remus’s panting in his ear, the soft bed, and the warm, and the warm, and the warm.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">-/-</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">In the morning, they made waffles.</p><p class="p1">Remus seemed to find Sirius’s fascination with the muggle waffle maker amusing.He leaned against the counter, coffee in hand, repressing a snicker as Sirius pounced and flipped the iron just as the mechanical <em>ding</em> went off.</p><p class="p1">“Is it supposed to steam up like that?” Sirius asked.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah.”</p><p class="p1">“How does it sense that the waffle is done?”</p><p class="p1">“I think it’s just a timer.”</p><p class="p1">Remus had gone to the store and bought a frankly silly assortment of toppings.Sirius made a mountain with all the strawberries and nutella he heaped up on his plate.</p><p class="p1">They ate in the kitchen, neither bothering to go to the table.They leaned against the thin strip of counter, shoulders brushing.</p><p class="p1">“So…” Sirius said after a while.“What now?”</p><p class="p1">“I don’t know.”</p><p class="p1">This should have been the point when they made promises.When they asked, “what are we?”But they didn’t.</p><p class="p1">“While I’m staying here,” Sirius ventured, “can I sleep in your bed?”</p><p class="p1">Remus’s smile was a bright and sweet thing, punctuated in each corner by a sticky dap of nutella.“I’d like that.You can stay as long as you like.”</p><p class="p1">“Thanks,” Sirius said.</p><p class="p1">“Do,” Remus cleared his throat.“Do you have any other plans?Anything else you want to do now that you’re free?”</p><p class="p1">Sirius shook his head.He found he was adverse to making plans those days.He didn’t trust the future like he used to.</p><p class="p1">“Okay.”</p><p class="p1">“Remus?”</p><p class="p1">“Mmm?” he hummed around a mouthful of waffles.</p><p class="p1">“I love you.”</p><p class="p1">Remus blinked.Swallowed it down.Took a swig of coffee.“I love you, too,” he said, so quick and matter of fact it made Sirius’s heart flutter.“Tried not to,” he continued, “for a long time,” he smirked a slightly bitter smirk, “never quite managed.”</p><p class="p1">“Ah, well,” Sirius looked out the window, down to the street fo their quiet, insignificant town, marveling and the unromantic-ness of their life.But he didn’t care.He was learning how to feel again and in that moment he simply felt <em>enough</em>.“Thanks for failing, then.”</p>
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